Surviving Abuse and Living My Best Life

Nine months ago I started attending Co-dependence Anonymous Meetings (CoDA).  I’ve been told many times throughout my years of therapy that I have a lot of the patterns of codependency.  Once I joined, started listening to others and reading the materials, I am 100% convinced that I am Codependent. 

I have always thought that working on myself was important, especially since I grew up in a very abusive and dysfunctional home.  I knew I didn’t want to repeat the patterns I grew up with but I struggled to know exactly what that looked like.  I definitely wasn’t going to treat my loved ones the way I was treated but I never really had the tools to necessarily do that properly.  What I did know was that I had a lot of work to do to be the wife, mother, cousin and friend my family and friends deserved.  I can honestly say that throughout the years I did my very best to be what everyone else needed.  The one thing I can say, with confidence, is that I always made sure that my children knew that no matter what, I loved them with all of my heart.  Now that my kids are getting older and I’m so close to being an empty-nester, I’m realizing more and more that I need to get myself healthy not just for the people I love but for myself too.

This is why I’m working so hard on myself in CoDA and also in therapy.  I want to be someone I’m proud to look at in the mirror, the one that makes my family and friends proud to have me in their lives.  Also, as my children have gotten older and our relationships have changed and matured, I have to admit that I want more.  I want to be their friend that doesn’t judge and gives advice only when asked.  I want them to be able to count on me to be there for them, to be a listening, non-judgemental ear for them to confide in.  I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to them.

Growing up I learned the skills to survive but I’m not in survival mode anymore so I need to learn new skills to be the person I really want to be and not to just survive but to thrive.

I’ve also realized through this journey that I have severe abandonment issues.  I believe it’s because when my mother decided that she didn’t want me in her life anymore and my father and siblings went along with it, I was hurt more than I ever thought a person could hurt, it was devastating.  I lost everything all at one time.  It was a mourning process that took many, many years to heal from.  I’m very thankful for my husband who was there for me through it all and never wavered in his support for me.   I’ve had similar feelings recently when I lost a very important person in my life.  The feelings of abandonment came rushing back.  All the pain, hurt, shame, shock came back with a vengeance.  Thankfully, I have amazing people in my life that have helped lift me back up.  I’m not that kid that lost her family anymore, I’m a confident adult (well, working on my confidence everyday) and I’m learning new tools to deal with hurt and disappointment.  It still took a toll on me but now I was able to move forward which in the past I wasn’t really capable of.

After five months of unrelenting pain I’m having surgery tomorrow to, God willing, relieve the pain.  My surgeon is doing a nerve block and repairing any other abnormalities she may find while she’s in there.

I have so much riding on this surgery.  My life has practically been at a stand still for all these months while I’ve dealt with this.  I’m really trying to be optimistic but my past with this chronic issue has not been very positive so it’s very hard to believe that things will get better.  Needless to say I’m very nervous!

This has not only impacted my life in a huge way, it has also affected the people I love.  Randy and I have not been out on a date since August, I haven’t been able to do anything with my kids or my best friend.  I can’t ride in the car without an ice pack and pain medication and even then it’s close to unbearable.

I can’t thank the people that haven’t given up on me enough.  I don’t blame people for getting tired of me and my issues, I know I am sick to death of myself.  I wake up every morning sick and tired of being me.  I know it’s going to be another day of not being able to do much and being in pain.  I’ve been very depressed and I cry a lot.  To sum it up, I’m a mess.

I don’t even want to think about what I will do if there’s no relief.  Every time I think that way I need to distract myself because that doesn’t lead to anything good.  I’m going to be laying in bed tonight praying and praying for a good outcome. 

Next Tuesday I go into the hospital to get a nerve block for my unrelenting rectal pain.  My doctor will also do any other repairs she needs to do while she’s in there. As the time gets closer to the procedure I’m getting more emotional because I honestly don’t know what I will do if this doesn’t give me relief.  I’m trying so hard to be positive and optimistic but I’m really struggling.  I’ve been living in constant pain for five months now and it is definitely taking its toll on me emotionally, physically and mentally.

My life has not been the same since my last four surgeries to repair chronic rectal prolapses. The pain has stopped me from doing most of the things that I enjoy in life.  If I do make plans I have to plan way ahead of time because once I go out it takes me three to four days to get back to doing anything because the pain is so overwhelming. I am on pain medication and a muscle relaxer, they don’t take the pain away but they make things a little more manageable.

The depression that I have been dealing with is overwhelming.  I’ve even started seeing a therapist virtually because I just can’t pull out of this.   I haven’t been this down in probably close to 10 years.  My amazing psychiatrist was able to label my depression as in remission, this is no longer the case.  

On top of all of this my son is moving out on Saturday.  He moved back in right before Christmas because he was struggling financially.  He’s now been working at a new job for about four months and is doing so well that he’s ready to get back out there on his own.  I know that at 25 years old it is very important for him to get back to being self-sufficient and I’m so proud of him but, having him here is like living with one of my best friends and I’m going to miss him terribly.  He’s not going too far, he’ll be about an hour away so we will definitely be seeing each other often, it’s just not the same.  And, before you think to yourself that this is how life is supposed to be, kids get older, they move out on their own and make their own lives. I totally get that and I’m so proud of all three of my older children for being so independent, it’s just a hard adjustment.  I always say that I wish I didn’t like my kids so much because then I wouldn’t miss them as much as I do but, they are all absolutely amazing people that I absolutely adore.

Life can be so unpredictable.  We all have plans for our lives, even if it’s just the expectations we have in our heads about how things will go.  I have always tried to find the best in every situation, sometimes that’s a lot easier said than done.  I thought I would be active, exercising every day, fighting the aging process and being fit for my kids and my future grandchildren but, things have not always gone the way I have hoped.

I’ve been exercising and playing sports my whole life, I was always very athletic, it was my identity.  I wasn’t the pretty kid, or the smart kid, I was the one that was good at sports.

In gym class I was always the first one picked for any sport we played, it was the only time I was popular.  In the neighborhood where I grew up all my friends were boys and we played football, baseball, hockey, etc. every day.

Once I started working I had the money to join a gym, that’s when my obsession with weightlifting began.  I originally joined to lose weight and get into shape.  I lost 40lbs and started feeling so much better about myself and I was hooked on the gym and made it a priority. 

The gym turned out to be even better for me than I could have anticipated because it was there that I met my husband, the love of my life.  Once Randy and I started working out together I got even more into weightlifting because not only did I love working out but I got to see and be with him.

Three years later Randy and I were married and had moved to California for his job.  At this point in my life I still didn’t know what I really wanted to do for a career.  I was a secretary for almost 10 years and absolutely hated it.  After trying out many, many jobs I finally realized what I wanted to do, I wanted a job where I could be in the gym and get paid.  So I went to college in San Diego to prepare to take a personal training exam.  

Once I got my first job in a gym as a trainer and began training people I spent 90% of my time in the gym, either working or working out.  Then Randy and I joined a softball team together and had a blast.  Softball was my second favorite activity, only after weight training.

My plan was to weight train for the rest of my life to stay in shape and it also had a great effect on my mental health.  I have suffered from depression my whole life and exercising became the best thing I could do for it. 

I cut my wonderful career short after we had our first child.  I really planned on going back to work but just couldn’t leave my new little guy.  I loved him more than I ever thought possible to love another human being.  As my maternity leave was coming to an end I started crying all the time at the thought of leaving my little guy everyday.  Randy was amazing about it all, he said “if you don’t want to go back, you don’t have to!”  Of course, that made me cry too but I took him up on that immediately!  We had to cut back a lot but it was so worth it!

When he was old enough, I started back to working out while my little guy was in the nursery. It wasn’t easy for me to be away from him but exercising,  staying in shape and fighting off my depression was also very important to me.  Plus, being a stay at home mom can be very isolating and I really needed adults to talk to during the day.  We had our gym time and then we would go to a park, go for a walk or anything I could do to spend special time with him for the rest of the day.

Three years later, now living in Texas, again a move for Randy’s job, I gave birth to our second son.  His birth was, the only way I can properly describe it is that it was violent.  The doctor sent us home while I was in labor only for us to have to rush back when he was crowning.  The doctor wasn’t immediately available so I had to try not to push but he was very ready to make his appearance in the world.  I ended up with an umbilical hernia, a rectal prolapse and a beautiful baby boy!

Since his birth I have had many severe health problems due to the trauma of his birth.  I’ve had more than 20 surgeries in the past 25 years to try and repair the damage that was done.  Doctors advised us not to have any more children because of my health issues.  But, I knew with my whole heart that I was not ready to make that decision.  Being a mom was the greatest thing I had ever done in my life and I wanted a house full.

Two years later we had a surprise pregnancy.  We were so excited to have another child.  Unfortunately, twelve weeks into the pregnancy I lost the baby.  This is when we knew for sure that we wanted another child.

One year later we welcomed our first daughter.  She had to be taken by c-section to try to avoid any more damage to my bottom.  I continued working out all throughout the pregnancy.  This pregnancy caused a few more issues with my body.  I had something called diastasis recti which is when the abdominal muscles don’t go back to where they belong after giving birth.  I had to have surgery to reconnect the muscles. As soon as I healed I was ready to get back to the gym.

I continued to exercise, only taking time off when I had to have another rectal prolapse surgery which, at this point, was almost a yearly surgery.  Everytime it was fixed it would last for about a year and then things would start collapsing inside again.

Five years later we were extremely surprised by another pregnancy.  We were very concerned about this one because of all of my health issues and my age.  I was in great shape because I exercised pretty much every day but I was still having rectal issues and I was now 39 years old.  This was a very difficult pregnancy because my body was hurting so much during the whole pregnancy.  We gave birth to our second daughter and fourth child by c-section.  This time I had my tubes tied, I was finally ready to say that I was done having children, our family was complete.

Due to many recurring rectal prolapses I finally had to stop weight lifting.  This was a very hard reality to come to because it had become part of who I was and I absolutely loved it.  It was then that I decided to try yoga.

Yoga was fun and it was helping with my yearning to exercise but more surgeries followed.  I had to step out of most classes due to pain, tried putting my membership on hold but then eventually I finished up my membership and quit because I was spending money on classes I couldn’t necessarily make my way all the way through.

I then decided to try Pilates.  This felt like something I could do and would be really good for me, mainly it would strengthen my pelvic floor, which is one of keys to helping with the rectal/colon/bladder issues.  At this point I was also playing volleyball in an adult recreational league.

Unfortunately, with all my health issues I had to sit out on a lot of the pilates classes because of pain.  Again, I had to keep putting my membership on hold and was finding it harder and harder to get back to exercising because of pain and more surgeries.  During this time I was incredibly blessed to meet an amazing pilates instructor that was going to start doing private lessons at her home and would be able to customize exercises just for me.  I’ve had to take a lot of time off due to surgeries and pain but she is so flexible with her schedule it hasn’t been too much of an issue.  Not only do I get special care because my pilates sessions are private but my instructor has become the best friend I have ever had!  It’s the kind of friendship I’ve prayed for all my life. 

Recently I have had 4 surgeries in less than 3 months and have had to stop pilates and volleyball.  Everytime I think I may be ready to get back to my physical activities there’s another issue.  These recent surgeries have left me with severe pain that my doctor and I are trying to get under control with no success so far.  Now, not only am I fighting with uncontrollable pain but also depression from not being able to do all the things I love to do and even a lot of daily responsibilities.

One of the things I am trying desperately to take away from all of this is that even though I don’t understand why this is happening to me, God has a plan.  I can’t even begin to imagine what His plan is for me or what it is that I’m supposed to learn but, I have to believe there is one because if I don’t, I would be sitting on my couch with ice on my butt crying all day.

My point to all of this is that we think we can plan ahead for things, we think we know what we will be doing in years to come but we really don’t know anything.  We can have dreams and goals but you never, ever know what God’s plan is.  I thought at this point in my life I would be still weight lifting, hiking, playing volleyball and doing all the physical work around the house and yard that I love to do.  But, this has been almost impossible for the last 5 months because of healing from surgeries and because the pain is so out of control right now.  I have another procedure next month for a nerve block and steroid injections in my rectal area to hopefully get this pain under control.

Besides the physical abuse I grew up with, everything my mother did to me was deniable.  It wasn’t always what she said but how she said it and what looks she was giving me at the time.  She was very sneaky with her abuse.

As an example, when Randy and I were engaged she gave us many gifts.  The one that comes to mind right now was the pots and pans.  Yes, it was a thoughtful gift but she pushed the box at me and with a sneer said “here!”  It was hard to respond with excitement or even just to be thankful.  I honestly wished that she hadn’t gotten it for us because it was just another reminder that she was going to go through the motions but not really be happy for me.  The gift was so that she could tell people that she got it for us.  They would never know how it was given to us, just that she gave it to us.

She would also deny that things even happened. Once Randy and I were married and back to regular work schedules the phone calls began. She would call me every morning when she knew Randy had already left and I was getting ready to leave. She called to tell me what a horrible, selfish person I was for leaving the family and getting married. I would leave for work, every single day, crying and questioning whether I had done the right thing. Being married to Randy was amazing. I couldn’t wait every night to get home from work and be able to just be with him but she had such a strong hold over me that every morning I questioned myself. It got to the point where I was seriously thinking about running my car into a light pole because I just couldn’t handle the stress she was putting on me. She just wouldn’t let me be happy.

Years later when we were in the middle of one of our many, many arguments I brought up her morning phone calls and she totally denied that she ever called me in the morning.  Arguing with her was truly useless.

I have always questioned my perception of things because she always made me feel like I was wrong with how I perceived everything.  This was one of the problems that Randy and I faced early on in our marriage.  I never wanted to tell him if he hurt me or upset me because I assumed that I probably took the whole situation wrong.  It took me over 20 years with him for me to trust my take on any situation and to tell him that something hurt my feelings or something he said offended me.  My first assumption with everything was that it was somehow my fault or that my feelings didn’t matter.

I believe this is where my difficulty setting boundaries came from.  I’ve been reading about and trying to learn to set boundaries.  I need to learn not only how to set them but how to defend them.  I guess the biggest thing for me is learning that I am entitled and worthy to have them. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt unworthy to have wants and needs.  To this day I put others’ feelings ahead of my own.  Thankfully, my children have not continued this in their own lives.  I’m actually in awe of them for how they take care of their own emotional needs so much better than I have ever done.  Not one of them has a problem with standing up for themselves and protecting their boundaries.  Maybe they learned from my mistakes?

My feelings have never felt like they were important or, I should say I always thought they were a bit ridiculous.  My thought has always been, “if I have to tell someone how to treat me, they must not care enough to know”.  I spent my childhood trying to read my mother’s moods and feelings in order to protect myself, my feelings always took a backseat.  Reading my mother’s face to try and predict her mood was something I got really good at because that was important for preservation.  Her mood could change with the snap of a finger.

I’ve lost friendships over not being able to set boundaries. I usually allow people to trample all over my unspoken boundaries until it builds up and I start distancing myself instead of addressing the issue. I do this because I’m so afraid of hurting people’s feelings and, to be totally honest, I’m afraid of anyone being angry with me. Instead of voicing my issues I start being weird with them until they don’t know what the heck I’m doing and I lose the friendship. The friends that have stuck by me are the people that really get me. I’ve been very lucky to have some very strong women that have stuck by me through thick and thin. This also goes for my husband and my children.

I will always be a work in progress but this particular issue is one that I need to focus and work on now because it causes me a lot of stress and heartache.

As I’ve said in the past, my dream is to write a book.  I stopped writing because the last thing I want to do is come off whiney.  Life has turned out pretty darned good for me.  I wouldn’t be the person, wife, mother or friend I am today if I hadn’t gone through all I’ve been through.  

I really want my past to be something that someone in an abusive relationship can learn from.  My very difficult relationship with my mother made me stronger and also made me a better mother.  I had no idea how to raise children but I definitely knew the things I didn’t want to do.  I feel like I raised my kids with my heart.  Everything I did or said to them was/is done with an overwhelming love for all four of them.  They are without a doubt my greatest accomplishment and joy.  They are a gift and I am honored and privileged to be their mother!

Randy recently visited his mother. He was going through some of her papers and pictures when he found a letter that I wrote to my family about 9 months after Zach, my first child, was born.  I remember that I was working with a therapist who suggested writing my family a letter to work through my feelings.  I will share that letter here, hiding the names to protect the guilty.

_________________________

February 12, 1996

Dear Mom, Dad, older brother, sister and younger brother,

By absolutely no means is this letter meant to hurt anyone.  It is for me to ask you to face the truth, understand my pain and to help me get on with my life.

I’m going to be throwing a lot of old garbage out for many reasons:

1.  I need you to hear it and acknowledge it.
2. I need you to accept your responsibility
3. I need you to realize that I am still in a lot of pain.
4. I need you to understand me and all of my actions of the past and present.

I have been dealing with debilitating depression.  I’ve tried many things to get through it, therapy and medication have been beneficial in helping me participate in life.  Before medication I was a teary, suicidal disaster.  Try to picture being in a deep dark hole all by yourself where you can’t get your thoughts together.  It’s absolutely the scariest, loneliest place in the world.

Randy has been to hell and back with me, I truly don’t know where I would be without his unconditional love and support.  He has picked me up and wiped me off more times than I care to remember.  He supports me through therapy, joining me in sessions when he’s needed a clearer understanding of what I’ve been going through.

My whole nightmare began back in May of 1989 when I met the man of my dreams, the man I immediately knew I would spend the rest of my life with.  One would think that this should have been the start of the most wonderful time of my life, in a way it was but, it was accompanied by so much pain and heartache.  Remembering that time of my life brings back so much pain, all of this pain was coming from my family.  I used to believe that family was the one group of people you could always count on.  The people who would always love you and stand behind you no matter what.  You certainly were the people I would have done absolutely anything for.  Now, I truly don’t know what my definition of family is.  I don’t blame any one individual for this because you all let me down.

Mom, you hurt me more than I ever thought possible, a hurt that I don’t know if I will ever recover from.  Your verbal abuse was more than I could bear and your lack of support destroyed the dreams that every little girl has.

The verbal abuse was constant, daily and knew no bounds.  Even when I would be crying hysterically,  you would continue.  You know, I didn’t understand this abuse then and now that I’m a mother, I understand it even less.

Looking back on this time in my life is so incredibly painful that I’ve had to throw away all of our wedding pictures and our wedding video.  Every time I looked at the fake smiles on everyone’s faces it would make me sick. 

One might ask where my father was during all of this, well, he was right there, with his mouth closed.  Dad, how could you let this go on and do nothing about it?  How could you watch me be torn apart and not help me?  I know that you didn’t want to make waves but, didn’t you realize that I was dying inside?

XXXXXX (my sister) is the only one that has taken on her responsibility in it all and apologized to me for just sitting by and watching.  The reason she felt compelled to do this was because at the beginning of her relationship with XXX (her now husband), she was starting to get the same treatment.

I am just so thankful that,  for some reason, the abuse ended for her before it did any damage.  It’s the one and only thing that makes my nightmare seem worthwhile – maybe, Mom, you actually learned from your mistakes?!

XXXXX (older brother),  as I’ve said in the past, there is absolutely no excuse for the way I acted at your wedding but, I would like to share something with you.  Your wedding was an extremely painful experience for me.  Mom and Dad were accepting, with much joy, your marriage to a woman they barely knew.  They cared about her, purely because they knew that she made you happy and that you loved her.  That’s all I wanted, they didn’t have to love Randy, they just had to care about him because they knew I loved him.. That’s not too much to ask for?!

Yes, I had a very hard time saying “good-bye” to XXXXX (your first wife).  She was the only one in the entire family who cared.  She cared about my wedding plans, it was the only time I was able to be excited about my wedding and my love for Randy.  She also saved my wedding day by being happy for us, for these things I will always love her a great deal.

XXXXXX (my sister), I have to tell you that your wedding was the most painful thing I have endured since my own wedding.  Mom and Dad were so excited, running around getting ready for the wedding day, helping you with your last minute plans, what really hurt was when I asked you if your limo was picking you up from the airport and you said no, that Mom and Dad were.  I know that sounds so insignificant to you but, it’s not to me.

Please believe me when I say that I was very happy for you but, I wish that when it was me in the same shoes, I had parents that would help me.  Yes, I was and still am, very jealous of you because they supported you then and now you have your family and the man you love, you were not forced to choose.

XXXXXX (younger brother), it has become perfectly clear to me that through all that has gone on you’ve lost all respect for me.  This is the most painful thing of all because of the way I feel about you and because of the special relationship we have always had.  You were “my first baby” and always one of the most important and special people in the whole world to me.  I will always love you with all of my heart, no matter what you think of me. 

Everyone continues to ask when we are coming back, let me tell you all that I have a lot of healing to do before I could ever consider it.  Leaving New York when we did, saved my life.  I was so depressed, confused and hurt that ending my life was constantly on my mind.  I could not bear being forced to choose between my family and my brand new husband.  Why couldn’t I have both?!  Was that so much to ask for?!

One of my greatest losses is the loss of “home”.  To me, home is where you let your hair down and be yourself.  The one place in the world where you are always welcomed, always comfortable, and can relax away from the real world for a while.  I had this taken away from me, no one should have the right to take that away from someone!  You have tried and succeeded in making Randy feel unwelcome and as a result, I am always so uncomfortable I can’t stand it.  He is my husband, the most important person in the whole world to me. If you cared for me, at all, you would open your home lovingly to him. 

Unfortunately, the pain that I have is not just from the past, I continue to be hurt to this day.  What amazes me is that I was practically forced to leave New York yet I continue to be punished for it.  I still can’t believe that I gave birth to my first child and not one of my parents accepted my invitation to come here to be with me.  I have travelled across the country enough times in the past four years to put us in debt.  I’ve travelled for birthdays, graduations, weddings, holidays and just for visits because it was important to me to be there, even though we don’t have the money.  I would beg, borrow and steal to be there if any one of you needed me.  I just don’t understand what happened to the family I thought I had, could I have been that fooled for over 20 years?!

I needed to say these things to all of you so, I’ve mailed you all copies.  I also wanted to avoid the usual, he said, she said, second hand, out of context rumors.  Now you all know my feelings and all that I’ve been dealing with.  I only hope that this will somehow help in my recovery.

It is very, very important to me to put this all behind me and get on with my life.  I now have the most wonderful baby that I must be available for, not only physically but emotionally.

I would appreciate your responses in written form because I find this subject much too emotional to discuss on the phone.  

_____________________________________

Unfortunately, my sister’s support ended quickly.  The pressure and rumors that my mother spread about me got to her too.  As it was when we were growing up, we never protected each other from my mother.  I think that when one of us was her target at the time, everyone else was just relieved that it wasn’t them.

The comment I made about my behavior at my brother’s wedding, well, let’s just say, it wasn’t my finest hour.  I got very drunk and was a bit too honest about what was going on in our family.  At that point in time, I was using alcohol as a crutch for all my pain.  I apologized and totally acknowledged that I screwed up that day.  I really shouldn’t have even gone to the wedding.  My family was treating me so badly, it was so ridiculous for me to go.

My brother’s first wife was one of my favorite people.  She definitely didn’t belong with him.  She was such a happy, supportive, optimistic person.  He dragged her down and hurt her pretty badly.  I’m still in touch with her today and am so happy to report that she got remarried and had the beautiful family she deserved.

My youngest brother and I were never able to repair our relationship.  I haven’t spoken to him in 20 years.  I’m 8 years older than he is and always treated him like he was my child, I certainly felt that way about him.  He was such a bright spot in my life growing up, he really meant everything to me.  He, like everyone else, believed all the things my mother said about me.  She was saying horrible things about me to anyone and everyone that would listen to her.  

When I said “could I have been that fooled for over 20 years?!”   I really was.  Growing up, I thought that everyone dealt with all that I dealt with.  I had no idea that my mother’s treatment was abusive, to me it was just the way things were.  I think that what we grow up with we tend to believe is “normal” because it’s all we know.  

I have to say that when Randy brought this letter home with him and I read it for the first time in 25 years I was very proud of the younger me for writing this letter.  I was so afraid of my mother and her reactions to everything, I can’t believe I had the guts to write this letter and send it.  I remember being sick to my stomach after I mailed these letters out.  I was right to be concerned because when the letter was received, my mother called me in a rage.  She did not see this letter as the “wake up call” I had hoped.  She was so angry and ready to hurt me.  I don’t remember her words but I remember crumbling to the floor in tears.  The more I cried the more she raged.  She seemed to always find my vulnerability to be the perfect opportunity to continue hurting me while I was down.

I guess to sum it all up, I don’t have a relationship with anyone in my family.  Both my parents have passed away, my Dad from Cancer and my Mother from an experimental treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I have no idea what either of my brothers are up to.  I do know that my older brother married a third time.  He was very abusive to his wife and children, that’s a whole other story for another time.  

My sister and I have tried over the years to have a relationship but she is so much like my mother that I really can’t have her in my life.  She is so toxic to me and my well being that I can’t have her in my life.  What a sad legacy my parents left behind.

In the past few months, I’ve had quite a few friends who have lost their Moms.  They are all heartbroken and wishing they had more time with them. As strange as this sounds, I envy them because they have that relationship to mourn.  

My mother passed away 9 years ago next month.  We weren’t communicating for the 8 years before she passed; so I heard about her death from my cousin.  I was shocked, I did cry, a lot, not because I’d miss her, but because I wish I had had the kind of relationship to miss her.  The feeling I had was mostly sadness because of what “could have been” and now, would never be.

I wish she loved me. I wish she wanted to be a part of my life.  I wish she wanted to know my children, I think they are pretty awesome!  Her death was the end of the dream that someday she’d call me and apologize for the way she treated me and that she want to start all over again.  All she ever had to say to me was that she was sorry and I would have let the whole past go and been ready to start all over again.

In a way, her death was a relief too because I could stop pretending that all these things would happen.  Then I started thinking that maybe she left me something that would say the words that seemed impossible for her to say when she was alive –  “I’m sorry”. But, the next thing I found out, that totally rocked me was that she wrote me out of her Will.

I received a copy of the Will in the mail from her lawyer that I had to sign it and agree that I would not contest it.  I was devastated all over again. I didn’t want anything monetary, I was just hoping that she’d left something to say that she was sorry or even that she loved me.  She had the opportunity, in death, to explain, apologize, say she loved me, something, anything, but once again she hurt me on purpose! I was devastated because, once again I put myself out there and she hurt me!

I guess my point to this Blog is that for those of you that are mourning the death of your Moms, I get it, I know that my children will mourn my death.  I mourned the death of my relationship with my mother, so many times and I know that it is incredibly painful. The time you had with them was so precious.  Having that kind of relationship with your mother is what life is all about. Dr. Phil always says something like – don’t just remember the death, remember all the time you had together.  All the good times. I know that if I had a mother that loved me, I would be a different person today.

I love my children with all of my heart and all of my soul.  I want the best for all of them, even if it means moving away from me even though losing people is so hard for me.  I know that I have built a foundation with my children that we will always love each other, always have respect for each other and have wonderful memories together.  Obviously, I hope we all make more memories but if life takes them to other places, I will visit, I will invite them and I will find any way to continue being in their lives and having them in mine.